Jahni woke in the morning, lying on the sofa in the living room, a blanket he'd wrapped around him last night his only cover. His head pounded and his mouth tasted as if it was full of sand.

"Kahil," Madari said, his voice close, and Jahni opened his eyes. Madari bent down by the sofa, wearing his uniform, right down, or rather up, to his cap. "I'm going to the barracks." His voice was brisk, rather formal, Jahni thought. "You take the time you need to get yourself together. There's a bus at noon that will bring you to the city."

"I... yes, sir," he said, though saw Madari grimace at the 'sir'.

"There's tea and food on the table. Drink plenty of water." He stepped away from Jahni, straightening up, a tall, proud figure in his uniform.

"Faris... we need to talk."

"Yes. Later. I have to go."

And he went. In a moment, Jahni heard the car driving away. Only then did he get off the couch. Madari had mercifully left the blinds drawn, to spare Jahni from the strong morning sunlight that would have streamed in otherwise. He found tea and a jug of water on the table, along with the food. The water he drank a lot of quickly and followed it up with several small cups of tea, downing them in quick gulps.

The food would have to wait, he decided, and headed for the shower, first stripping off and putting his clothes into the washing machine.

After his shower he wandered into the kitchen, a towel around his waist and made a fresh pot of tea. His head felt a little clearer, but that didn't help his confusion much. What the hell had happened last night? He thought he wanted to go to bed with Madari. He offered it, invited it, and yet, when he felt... that, his instincts simply took over and made him step away. Why?

He took his tea and walked out to the living room. A sound outside, a whinny from the horses made him go to the window and peek through the blinds to see the man who came from the village each day to groom and exercise the horses. Jahni watched him with one of them for a while, then turned away.

Why had it frightened him so much? For goodness sake, he'd lived in barracks long enough that he'd seen other men's erections before. 'Morning glory' his fellow SAS trainees called it.

Didn't he want Madari in that way? Wasn't that the point of it all? He loved Madari. He thought that love meant he wanted to give him everything. But did it? Many times now he'd had thoughts, fantasies he supposed, about being in bed with Madari. But what did he really think about when he had those fantasies. A lot of kissing, definitely. Intense pleasure as he... what? There was a vagueness. He remembered pushing against something, but his mind hadn't really specified what. And he couldn't remember thinking about touching, or using his mouth. He felt heat rush to his face at the thought of that. It's like everything below the waist was in darkness. Vague. Blurred.

And last night it almost became real. But it was too real. It would have meant touching someone who was undeniably a man. Did he really want that? Or did he want everything with Madari short of that? What kind of relationship was that? Lovers in all but the act of love? No more than kissing and cuddling, like a couple of shy teenagers? A man couldn't live like that. A man shouldn't want to.

~~~~

By the time he took the noon bus, wearing his freshly cleaned and pressed clothes and ignoring the curious looks from Madari's neighbours, he still hadn't worked out his confusion. He didn't know that he could. At least not without talking to Madari.

He went first to his flat and put on his uniform, before heading to the barracks in his car. He'd find Madari and they'd talk. That would help.

As always he went to the Unit's barracks area first, and checked on the men. Some of them gave him odd looks when he came in and he wondered how rough he looked. After speaking to a few of the soldiers, he checked the messages he'd picked up from his cubby hole in the main admin office.

Two minutes later he strode through the outer office of Madari's command suite and knocked and opened the door almost before Madari called out for him to enter.

"Why have you taken me off active status?"

~~~~

Madari winced at Jahni's loud, accusing voice, as if he were the one hung over.

"Close the door," he said, not wanting the clerk to hear them. Jahni slammed the door shut and pulled the blind down.

"Why? What have I done wrong? Sir, my work is..."

"Kahil, please, calm down. Sit down. It's only for two weeks. I just want you to take some leave, get some rest."

"I don't need to rest. I need to work!"

"You and several of the other men are on leave for two weeks." He made his voice harsh, as difficult as it was to speak to Jahni that way. But he had to be Jahni's commander here. Anything else... that would come later. "I'm not interested in hearing any arguments about this."

"But why? Just tell me why."

"It's my fault. I haven't placed enough importance on your mental health. Your missions are highly stressful."

"We're trained for that." Jahni sat down at last, though didn't relax in the seat, sat forward, whole body tense.

"Nobody is trained for that. I've put in a request that we have a medic who is assigned to the unit to focus on dealing with our mental health, with counselling if needed after difficult missions, and generally monitor the men and officers. I'm not singling you out, Kahil. This is an issue for the whole unit, and I must address it, even if it injures your pride."

Jahni sighed and flopped back in the chair, passed a hand over his eyes. "You're right, of course. I suppose I did feel a little picked on. I thought it as something to do with... you know, last night."

Madari glanced at the door, still closed tight, but his clerk only a few yards away.

"Well, it is, in some ways. You were distressed. The rest... well, I think even that was something that happened because of the stress you're under."

"We need to talk about... the rest."

"I know." They had to talk about it properly this time. Not avoid it like before. "Tonight?"

"Tonight."

~~~~

When Madari arrived at Jahni's flat that evening, it took a few minutes for Jahni to answer him on the intercom at the gate. He sounded a little flustered too, Madari thought, hoped nothing was wrong.

Jahni opened the flat door as Madari approached it from the stairs. He wore a loose shirt and trousers, his feet bare, and his hair rather mussed.

"Sorry," he said, "I was sleeping." He gave a wry smile. "I suppose that shows you're right. I do need rest."

"Good." Madari came in. "I, ah, I brought some pastries." He wasn't sure why. Passing a baker's he'd pulled in and bought a box of four sweet pastries. Some kind of peace offering, perhaps.

"I was going to make you dinner." Jahni rubbed his eyes. "Though I should probably have woken up a couple of hours ago for that. Never mind, I'm sure I can put something together."

Madari followed him into the kitchen and Jahni gathered bread, cold meat, cheese and dates laying them on the table.

"We'll call it a picnic," he said. "Wait, I've got eggs, I'll scramble some."

Madari knew what this was. Displacement activity. Avoidance. Jahni whisked the eggs, and started scrambling them, talking of inconsequential things. He'll talk when he's ready, Madari thought, and joined in the avoidance, by making them some tea.

It felt comfortable to work side by side in the kitchen like that. It reminded him of those few days after he came home after the restoration and Jahni stayed. Eating together, talking all evening. And that night they... slept together. Only slept, nothing more, and it happened only accidentally. Who knows what else might have happened 'accidentally' if they'd been alone in the house?

But would it have? What happened last night made is pretty clear that Jahni in fact didn't want to make love to him. But it contradicted every signal Jahni had given him for a long time now. So what was wrong? What made him pull away? Of course, it was only right that he pulled away and stopped them from committing such a terrible sin. But it still left Madari totally confused.

Jahni talked eventually, while they ate their 'picnic' dinner.

"I'm sorry I blew up earlier, about you putting me on leave."

"That's all right. I know you hate to be inactive."

"Yes. But you were right. I need some rest. Some time to think. I might even go away for a few days. With your permission, sir."

"Of course." Madari didn't like the idea too much, but had no valid objection. "Anywhere in particular?"

"Cairo maybe. My old stamping ground from university." He shrugged and ate a few bites of the pastry Madari brought. "Just to have some space to think things through."

"That's good. When you come back, I want you to set up an appointment with the new counsellor. I should have one appointed by then." When Jahni grimaced, he went on. "Kahil, talking to a professional isn't evidence of weakness. You know that I see a psychiatrist myself."

Jahni grimaced again. He seemed strangely jealous sometimes of Dr Fauzi, perhaps thinking Madari shouldn't need anyone except him to talk to. But Madari always kept in mind what Dr Al-Hijazi had taught him, that it was unfair on Jahni to expect him to deal with Madari's problems alone.

"I know, I know," Jahni said, and sighed. "It's just... Faris, how much good can it do me, when I can't tell him the full truth?" He looked at Madari for a moment. "Do you... do you tell Dr Fauzi about... us?"

"He knows that I have... feelings for someone I can't be with. He doesn't know it's you."

"Does he know it's a man?"

Madari shifted in his chair. "No."

He felt like a hypocrite suddenly. How could he tell Jahni to see the psychiatrist and be open with him, when Madari lied to his own doctor? Jahni didn't say anything, which told Madari that he didn't approve of that situation.

"It's time I did tell him," Madari said. He took a deep breath. "And I have to tell Sophia." He didn't want to. He knew it would likely mean the end of his relationship with her. But he owed her the truth.

"No!" Jahni said, wide-eyed. "Why do you have to tell her?"

"I promised to be faithful to her. I broke that promise."

"Will she break up with you?"

"Probably. She forgave me last time. But she's a proud woman. She won't be played for a fool by me or any man." He smiled. "Her husband found that out." It was his own attempt at a distraction he supposed, hoping Jahni would be intrigued by the hint, but Jahni ignored it.

"But that's not fair. It was my fault, not yours. I led you on."

"But I responded I was... ready. If you hadn't come to your senses, I'd have..." He flushed and looked down. Had to erase it from his mind, forget the wonder and excitement of being so close to giving in to the long years of temptation.

"I'm sorry." Jahni said, looking down. "Please, don't break up with Sophia over this. Don't tell her. It's not fair to destroy what you have with her. She can... she can give you what I can't." He looked up, but not at Madari, avoided his eyes, looking up at the ceiling, head back against the wall and arms folded. "I'm so ashamed of what I did. It was so unfair to you. I... I promised something I wasn't ready to give."

They sat in silence for a while. Would Jahni ever be ready? Madari wondered. Perhaps not. That was a good thing really. He should make himself believe that. Perhaps it would be easier to deal with the longing if he knew Jahni couldn't respond.

Jahni looked at him again. "Faris, do you think two people can be lovers, without... having sex? I mean, that in their hearts, that's what they are?"

"Perhaps."

"Is that what we are?"

"Perhaps."

Jahni nodded slowly and rubbed his hands over his face. "It wasn't the kissing. I liked that. That felt... good."

Good seemed such a... small word for it, Madari thought.

"It's still a sin, even if it never leads to anything else. And of course, as your commander, it's entirely inappropriate."

"I know. Of course." He looked as if he had more to say, watching Madari's face for his reactions. After a moment he went on. "I just meant that sometimes, if, well, nothing more than that were to happen, it wouldn't be too wrong, would it?"

"It would be if I was still seeing Sophia."

Jahni winced and gazed at him with heartbreak in his eyes. So torn apart that Madari wanted to hold him again, offer him whatever comfort he could.

"Of course." Jahni looked away and fiddled with his empty tea cup for a while. "Are you going to tell her?"

If he told her, they'd almost certainly break up and then perhaps those sinful, but not too sinful stolen kisses might happen sometimes. It wasn't enough, but if it had to be enough, then he would take it. If he didn't tell her, then he had to try to stick with his promise and be faithful to her. No stolen kisses. Jahni knew that, too. He knew Madari's principles and that he would at least try to stick to them.

"Do you think I should tell her?"

Was that unfair? To give him the decision? Perhaps. Madari felt too weak, too tempted to make that decision himself. Jahni stroked a hand through his hair and sighed and then looked at Madari.

"I don't want you to tell her. I don't want you to break up with her."

Madari nodded, understanding what Jahni was sacrificing. He reached out and laid his hand over Jahni's on the table.

"In our hearts, Kahil. In our hearts."

~~~~

Madari left around midnight, making Jahni worry about that long drive home on the desert road. Just hoped Madari kept his attention on driving and didn't brood too much over everything they'd talked about.

For himself, he couldn't rest yet and took a cup of tea up to the roof to watch the dark city below. Lights, from homes, street lamps, and cars made a delicate mesh, like the city's nervous system. Jahni thought about Sophia Giordano, looking towards the part of the city where she lived. His feelings for her were so different than when he'd first learnt about her and Madari. She'd proven to be a good ally in that situation with Raslan, beating him in a way Jahni couldn't have. And it showed how much she cared about Madari.

Yes, he still felt jealous, but had now started to wonder what he felt jealous of. The sex? Or simply the time she spent with Madari? Perhaps the intimacy they shared, that could come only with a sexual relationship. But was it a greater intimacy than the one he shared with Madari, or just a different type? A type he couldn't share.

He'd once said, in bitterness and pain, that perhaps he should find a woman like Sophia too, or even a wife. And perhaps now he should. If there was never any chance of becoming Madari's lover in anything but his heart, then why not? It would no longer feel like cheating on him. That's what all the hotel women felt like. As if he was cheating. And of course, that's what he'd felt about Madari and Sophia. That Madari was cheating on him.

Ridiculous, all of it, he saw that now.

Everything had changed. It changed in that one moment, that split-second, when his instincts made him step away from Madari. Instincts were invaluable to a soldier, they had saved Jahni's life many times. Now they had changed it, saved it in another way perhaps, saved his future, making him finally come to his senses.

Still... the kisses had been so good...

~~~~

Everything had changed, Madari knew. Even more so than after that first incident. That had started it. They'd moved from denial about their situation to coping with it. Now this latest incident had brought yet another sea-change to their relationship. More than just coping now, they were moving forward, making plans about how they dealt with this long term.

"The doctor is ready for you now."

Madari nodded his thanks to the receptionist and stepped into his psychiatrist's familiar consulting room. They exchanged the usual greetings and Madari took the comfortable chair, but didn't relax in it, sat forward, his body tense. What if Fauzi refused to go on treating him? How religious was the man?

"Doctor, it's time for me to tell you something I've... concealed from you."

"Go on."

No condemnation for the concealment at least. Madari went on, his hands clasped together tightly.

"I've told you I'm in love with someone I can't be with. I expect you assumed I meant a married woman."

"I make no assumptions, Faris."

No assumptions? What about judgements?

"It's not a married woman. It's not a woman. It's a man." He looked down at his hands. Was this a mistake? But he owed it to Kahil. If he expected Jahni to be honest with the unit's new medic, at least about job related stress and trauma, then he should set an example. He looked up at Fauzi, who hadn't spoken and had a look of anticipation on his face. "You know who I mean, don't you?"

"I'll be quite astonished if you say any name other than 'Kahil'."

Madari winced. Of course Fauzi had probably realised this months or years ago. He wasn't blind. But he'd never pushed Madari for the name, waited for him to say it. Suddenly Madari felt like a fool.

"Yes, it's Kahil. Some things have happened that we need to talk about."

"I'm waiting to hear them."

"Doctor, I need you to understand what I want from you, I don't want you to try to 'cure' me of these feelings."

"I'm a doctor, Faris, not a wizard." He had no hint of condemnation in his voice. If he was a religious man, he could obviously put it aside to maintain clinical detachment.

"What I need you to do is help me to deal with these feelings. Help me find the strength to keep anything... else from happening."

Fauzi nodded and made a note on his pad.

"I think perhaps we need to increase your sessions to twice a week."

End Part 23