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No
prisoners. Not one taken in either the destruction of the camp, or the raid on
the house where the last of that terror cell had been hiding out. And of
course, someone had to have a problem with it. That damn reporter, Hamin,
once again asking in the Az-Ma'ir Sunrise's leader column if it had been
necessary to kill all of the terrorists. They should take him along on the
next mission, Madari thought. Let him see for himself how necessary it was to
kill them. He sipped coffee and glared at the newspaper again. He didn't need
this. Jahni
came in with a report and a worried expression. His gaze fell on the paper. "Ignore
it," he said. "That man is a fool." "He
says I acted out of a desire for revenge and am allowing pain and anger to
drive me." "And
that's a bad thing?" Madari
looked up at him, the hard expression on his face. Was it a bad thing? His
decisions should be made on sound tactical grounds, not influenced by
emotions. And he'd started to feel he wasn't in control of those emotions,
with little sleep for three days now. "What's
the situation in the city?" "All
quiet. There was a small protest last night, but it broke up without much
trouble. Faris, you look exhausted." "You
don't look much better yourself. You should be off duty." "And
I think it's time you were, too." They
looked steadily at each other, at pale faces and dark-circled eyes and Madari
nodded. No wonder he couldn't control his emotions. He needed rest. The
crisis had passed. Madari could leave the regiment in the hands of one of the
other colonels for a few hours at least, while he got some proper sleep. A picture
came into his mind, of his bed at the lodge in Zaire. Of himself and Jahni
spending those afternoons in each other's arms, sleeping, talking, or just
silent, at peace. Perfect happiness. Something
he couldn't have now. He could go home, he supposed, out to his house in the
desert, but it was a long way and he feared dozing off at the wheel of his
car. He knew where he had to go. "Go
home, Kahil," he said. "I'm going to go, too. I'll see you tomorrow." It took
him nearly an hour and a half to get out of there, while he handed over to
another colonel and made sure everything was in order, before he finally left
and drove to Sophia's. Had he
put off leaving for reasons other than doing his duty? What happened at the
hospital, the kiss... he needed to tell her about that. For too long he'd
given himself excuses why he shouldn't mention those incidents with Jahni,
but that couldn't go on. He had to tell her the truth. Not right
away though. When he reached her home the prospect of the bed made him almost
fall asleep on his feet and she asked nothing of him after she held him and
kissed him when he came in the door. A few
murmured words of reassurance that he was okay, and then he was swaying on
his feet and she took him into the bedroom, helped him out of his clothes and
into bed. She rested his head on her lap and stroked his hair until he fell
asleep. ~~~~ He woke
at nearly four in the afternoon, alone in the bed. He took a shower and then
put on his clothes, because he couldn't have this conversation in his robe.
When he went out into the living room, Sophia seemed surprised to see him
dressed. "I
hope you're not rushing straight off again, I'm making some tea." "Thank
you. No, I'm not rushing off." Looking
pleased, she hurried to the kitchen and came back with a tea tray. He'd have
the tea first, and answer her questions – the ones he could - about the
nightmare of the last few days. As they talked she kept an arm around him,
the story of the brush with death seemed to make her want to hold on to him,
make sure he was real, had really survived. He didn't return the embrace and
she drew away after a while. "Faris,
are you sure you're all right? You seem very distant. Cold. That's not like
you." "I
have to tell you about something." He put down the now empty teacup he'd
been hiding behind and took her hands. "Something happened at the
hospital. Jahni and I, he..." He was going
to say 'he kissed me', but he couldn't claim he hadn't responded, or that
this was somehow Jahni's fault. 'He
started it' only worked as an excuse for children. "We
kissed." She
looked down at their joined hands, biting her lip. "I see." "It's
not the first time it's happened. I mean not the first time since I told you
about us, what we feel." She looked up at him, her eyes blazing with
anger for a moment, and then flooding with grief and despair. Tears misted in
them and he knew his relationship with her was over. "Why
didn't you tell me before about those other times?" She didn't yell.
Another reason he knew it was over. "Because
I was afraid. Because I care for you and don't want to lose you and I know
that I will. That I have." "And
why have you told me now, when you didn't before? Are you..." Her eyes
widened. "Faris, are you going to leave? Go somewhere else, to be with
him?" Part of
him wanted to, more than anything in the world. Flee without looking back.
When Jahni had begged for that Madari hadn't even thought about Sophia in
that moment. "No,
Sophia, no. I promise you that I have no intention of pursuing a romantic
relationship with him." "You've
made promises before." "And
I've broken them, more than once, I know. I'm sorry. It's not because of you.
I think you're the finest woman I ever met. If things were different, I'd
have already asked you to be my wife." She gasped at his words, but he
continued before she could speak. "But things are what they are, and if
I don't face them, I am a coward." She
looked into his eyes. Her tears had not fallen yet. "Is he your
lover?" The
answer was yes, but not in the way she meant it. "We're not having sex.
We've never had sex. We never will." "Another
promise." "An...
intention." She
jerked her hands away from his, with a sudden movement as if only just
noticing they were still there. "I
can't trust you, can I? Please be truthful with me. I can't trust you and I
can't trust him. Your intentions are good, but temptation is stronger than
intentions. Love is stronger than either." Her voice caught and now her
tears escaped. "No,"
he said, in a voice dulled with gloom, inevitability. "You can't trust
me. I want to be strong and you've helped me to be strong. But I'm not strong
enough to say it won't happen again." She
stood, moving away, putting the distance between them. He waited for her,
while she took a cigarette from the holder on the mantelpiece, lit it with a
shaking hand and turned to him. "I
can't allow a man I don't trust to share my bed." Despite
the shaking hand, her voice was calm. She had decided this already, he knew.
All that was left was to put it into words. Madari knew that would be the
case. She hadn't been able to trust her husband and had exiled him from her
bed. Now Madari faced the same exile. "I
understand." He stood.
Should he plead for her? He'd said that in other circumstances he'd want her
to be his wife. If he felt so strongly, shouldn't he plead for her now? But
what use would it be? She deserved better. "I'll
go at once," he said, provoking only a nod from her. She was holding in
her emotions, he saw that, needed privacy. "Sophia, I hope this doesn't
have to mean we never see each other again. You've been more than a lover to
me, you're a good friend to me and to Kahil. I don't want to lose you." "I
need time to think," she said, voice strained. "Of
course." He bowed
his head to her and left the room to fetch his things, cramming them quickly
into his bag. When he returned to the living room she was standing by the
window. Did he dare to go and touch her, even just on the shoulder? No. It
would not be welcome. "May
I call you in a few days?" he asked. "I want to make sure you're
well." "Fine,"
she said, without turning from the window. "Faris." Her voice
stopped him as he began to turn away. "Your secret is safe. I won't tell
anyone." "I
never thought for a moment that you would," he said, bowing his head
again as she turned to look at him. "Goodbye, Sophia. I'm sorry
I..." What? Couldn't love her as much as she deserved. "I'm sorry I
let you down. I love you." She
stared at him and gasped at the unexpected words. They took him by surprise
as much as her, but he recovered himself. "Perhaps
I should have said that before. Or not at all. It's how I feel, but it's not
enough. I'm sorry." He did love her. But not enough. "I'm
sorry." He said it one last time, then turned away from her and left the
flat. ~~~~ Jahni
walked into a hotel bar at just after ten in the evening. He'd woken a couple
of hours ago from a long sleep, but still felt restless. The kind of
restlessness that brought him to the hotel bars every few weeks. Madari
was sitting at a table in the corner, with a teacup and a newspaper in front
of him. Paralysed
by the disconnect, Jahni froze. It couldn't really be him, could it? The man
at the table wore civilian clothes and had his head down over the paper.
Surely it was just someone who looked like Madari. At any moment he'd look up
and he'd be nothing like him really and Jahni would laugh at his own
foolishness, telling himself he saw Madari everywhere. The man
looked up and stared with surprise at Jahni. It was Madari. Jahni
wanted to run, like a child caught somewhere he shouldn't be. Claim later
that of course he wasn't at the hotel. Why would he be at a hotel? But that
was ridiculous. Anyway, he needed to know why the hell Madari was here. Was
he having dinner here with Sophia? Was she in the ladies room? But he had only one tea glass in front of
him. Too late
to run, Madari has started to rise and Jahni shook himself from his paralysis
and hurried over there. He shook Madari's hand when he reached the table,
startling him somewhat, but making their interaction more natural looking.
They both sat. "I
think we both get to say the same thing here," Madari said. "What
are you doing here?" "I
came to get a drink," Jahni said. Though that risked some disapproval,
it was better than the full truth. "What about you? Are you here with
Sophia?" "No,
um. I'm staying here." He stirred the almost empty tea glass. "Ah,
the fact is, Sophia and I have broken up." "What?"
Jahni voice was a cracked whisper. The rest of the bar vanished into a haze
of muffled sound and blurred pictures, nothing in focus except Madari. But he
got no immediate answer as Madari turned to a waiter who'd come to the table. "A
fresh pot and another glass please. Charged to my room." He turned back
to Jahni as the waiter hurried away. "Why?"
Jahni asked in the same cracked whisper, still too stunned to know what he
felt about this. All he could feel now was shock. "I
told her about..." He looked around. "I don't think we can talk
here." "We
can go to your room." Madari
stared. "I really don't think that would be a good idea." He had a
point. "Then let's take a walk." Cancelling
the tea order on the way out, they left the hotel. Madari didn't have a
jacket, but it was a warm enough night and they walked down the street, away
from the lights of the hotel, to darker areas, shops closed up for the night,
few people around. There was a park nearby and Madari steered him in that
direction. "What
did you tell her about?" Jahni asked after they'd been walking in
silence for a while. "The
hospital. The kiss." Jahni
nodded. Had he also mentioned what Jahni had asked him to do? His heart raced
suddenly. My God, what if he'd broken off his relationship with Sophia
because he intended to do that? Now the crisis had passed they could... No.
Absurd. This was only one crisis. There'd be many more. And what if Rahama
never returned to duty? What if the regiment needed a new commander? "And
that it had happened other times that she didn't know about," Madari
added. "And
that was always initiated by me," Jahni said, the thought occurring to
him suddenly that he'd been the instigator of every incident except the first
one. Madari had responded, certainly, but Jahni had been the aggressor. He
flushed with shame at that thought. Was he forcing his attentions on Madari?
Madari wasn't unwilling as such, but he'd made it clear he didn't want to
pursue that side of their relationship. Why couldn't Jahni respect that? "It
doesn't matter who initiated it. We both participated." "Did
you tell her that it won't happen again?" "I
told her I didn't intend for it to happen again. But we both know that I've
said that before." He sighed. "She can't trust me. I can't blame
her." "But
it's my fault! I started it. Look, I promise this time, it will never happen again." They
stopped at the gate to the park. Madari looked at him and shook his head.
"It almost certainly will. Whatever our intentions. I look at you now in
the moonlight and think you're beautiful and I want to kiss you. I don't know
how long I can hold out against such temptation." "I'm
sorry." Jahni choked the words past a lump in his throat. "I don't
know what to do. I know I'm not strong enough either. Maybe I should just go
away somewhere. I don't know." "Actually."
Madari stopped, then went on. "Colonel Rahama mentioned that other
commanders in the regiment have been trying to get you transferred to them.
Maybe you'd like to consider it?" His voice shook as he went on.
"I'd hate to lose you, you know that, but –" "No!"
Jahni shouted it, startling Madari and making him step back. "No
way!" Not a shout this time, but emphatic, as what transfer would mean
suddenly impressed itself on his mind. "Transfer away from my unit? The
unit I built? My men, who I hand-picked. No way in hell." "You,
ah, did just offer yourself that you'd go away," Madari said. "Well,
I was talking crap! I'm not going anywhere." He scowled and set off
walking through the park, Madari catching him up a moment later. "Then
we have to be on our guard every moment we're together," Madari said.
"I'm glad to hear you so committed to the unit. After what you said the
other day, I was worried." "That
my loyalty was elsewhere? Well it's not. Not in this universe. If you can
wave a magic wand and make things different, then my loyalties might be torn.
But for now, I'm going nowhere." "Good.
Kahil, you know as well as I do that the situation here is only going to get
worse before it gets better. Our work has only just started. We mustn't be
distracted. Rahama will retire soon, perhaps sooner than expected. I intend
to succeed him." Jahni
looked at the determined expression on his face. It was the first time he'd
heard Madari actually state that as an intention, rather than a distant
possibility. "Good,"
Jahni said. "By
then, you will be ready to command the anti-terror unit yourself and you will
be my right hand man." Madari smiled. "As you have been for so
long." He
slipped his arm into Jahni's then, and they strolled on. Was this a
distraction? Jahni's stomach fluttered in a way it didn't when Rahama or any
other male friend took his arm or his hand. Did it have the same effect on
Madari? Was that a flush in his cheeks? Impossible to say in the darkness. "I'm
making some other changes," Madari went on. "I thought about them after
I checked into the hotel. I need to simplify my life. Prepare myself for the
war that is coming." "What
kind of changes?" "I'm
going to sell my house and move into the city, so I can be closer to the
barracks. Halais will buy my horses. I know a man at the falconry centre who
has offered a good price for Ruya." He glanced at Jahni with a sly
smile. "I'm even going to buy a new car." Jahni
laughed. "At last we find out that it takes almost being blown up to
make you buy a new car. If I'd known that I'd have sent you a small letter
bomb years ago." He
wondered how a new car counted as simplifying Madari's life. Perhaps there
was more there too. The Colonel in command of a regiment was expected to
maintain a certain lifestyle. That rusty old Volvo didn't match such a
lifestyle. But Sophia did match it, so it surprised him again that Madari
would choose his moment to get too honest with her. Unless...
what if he intended to look for a more respectable woman, one he could marry,
who could be a society hostess for him? No. He was honest with Sophia because
he felt she deserved it, that was all. He was a good man. He wouldn't have
been ashamed of having her at his side as he cut more of a figure in society.
Jahni shook his head. His speculation could run wild sometimes. "Are
you okay about Sophia? If you're upset, we can talk." "Thank
you. But I think I'll be fine." Jahni
nodded. "This might be for the best, Faris. I mean, if things get as bad
as you believe they will, she could be in danger too, if she's with
you." "That's
true," he said, with a sigh. "It would be selfish of me to expect
her to risk that." They
walked on in silence for a while. Madari's hand slid down Jahni's arm to take
his hand, an exquisite torment to Jahni. "Kahil,
do you often go to the hotels to drink?" Jahni
winced. Damn, he thought Jahni was drowning his stress in alcohol. The
concern in his voice was more than that of the commander though and Jahni
could only be honest with him, to stop him worrying. "I
don't go there to drink. I meet women. Foreigners." Madari
faltered and stopped. Jahni turned to face him, the shock in his eyes
breaking Jahni's heart. "I'm
sorry, Faris. But I'm not made of stone." "Of
course not. Ah, well, that's your own business." He blushed then said
quietly, "Only women?" Jahni
blushed too, knowing what he meant and knowing what he feared. But Jahni
wasn't going to bring down a scandal on the regiment like the one that had
engulfed the mayor's office. "Definitely
only women." The double standard sickened him. There'd be some scandal
if it became known publically, but he was a single man, and he knew many men
would be quite jealous of his conquests - as long as they were always women.
Was Madari jealous of them? For different reasons of course. Just as Jahni
was jealous of Sophia even when he'd told Madari to stay with her. "Does
it help?" Madari asked in a soft voice. "Sometimes.
It takes the edge off when things get too much." "That's
good then. I don't think the same solution would work for me." It
wouldn't. Not with his romantic soul. He'd fall in love with too many of
them. Fall in love, just not enough. "Let's
walk back now," Madari said, turning around. "I still have sleep to
catch up on, to get back to work in the morning." "Me
too," Jahni said. "Walk me to my car." They
walked arm in arm again, slowly, enjoying the moonlight and each other's
closeness. The only closeness they dared have. But Jahni felt less bitter
about that than he usually did. This was the frankest they'd been with each
other for some time. Something was happening here. Not just tonight, but in
the last few days, since the bomb. They'd stopped hiding from each other. The
distractions they used as barriers between each other were falling away. "I
feel like we've really cleared the air, talking like this," Madari said. "You
must have read my mind." It was
good. It made sense. Now they had to be closer and stronger than ever, as
they faced battle shoulder to shoulder. ~~~~ "What's
that?" Jahni said to Madari as they gathered in Rahama's office with the
other senior officers. Madari was no longer behind the desk. Today, two weeks
after the assassination attempt, Rahama was coming back to work. Only for
half a day and only really to be seen to still be in charge, to show he would
be back. Madari
held up the item he carried that Jahni had asked about. "It's Ahmed's
old swagger stick. I found it when I was packing boxes last night." "Are
you going to start poking the men with it?" "I'm
going to give it to the Colonel," he said, with a mock frown at Jahni's
smirk. "He gave this to my grandfather when he made Colonel. I thought
he might like to have it back." He handed it to Jahni to inspect. "Nice."
Jahni ran a hand along the ebony cane and then buffed it on his sleeve.
"Sorry. It's beautiful." He held it up, looking at the silver cap,
turning it around and then frowning. "Is it..." But the
sound of applause interrupted him and he gave the cane back to Madari as
Rahama appeared in the doorway, moving slowly, but smiling, raising a hand to
greet his officers as he came in. Various
pleasantries followed. Toasts were made to Rahama's health. Messages from
well wishers, including the king, were read. After all of that, Rahama rose
from his chair again, raising a hand for quiet. "Thank
you, gentlemen, your warm welcome back has made me wish I'd returned sooner.
But I know I didn't need to rush, because I know all of you have done your
duty to the best of your ability during my absence. And I particularly want
to thank Colonel Madari for his work at this time." Murmurs
of approval, that Madari hoped were at least mostly sincere, followed
Rahama's words. "This
has been a difficult time for all of us," Rahama went on. "And I
wish I could say that it is over. But this has been the opening salvo in a
war. I know that the Royal Guard is ready to fight that war. We still have
work to do to restore our good name. That work starts today. I have some
announcements to make over the next few weeks about changed priorities, new
ways to deal with the threat we are facing. I know all of you are ready to do
whatever it takes to meet that threat." He sat
down again, looking pale suddenly, but put on a smile as the officers
applauded his words. "Now
I believe I have some paperwork to catch up on," he said, making them
laugh, and start to move out of the room, talking of course, speculating
about what his announcements would mean. "Faris,"
Rahama said softly. "Stay a moment. And you, Major Jahni." "Did
you want a full debrief now?" Madari said as they sat. "No,
no. I'll read your report first. I just wanted to thank you personally for
the way you handled things here. I've been receiving regular reports." "I
was afraid that I might have overstepped the mark, taking charge the way I
did on my own authority." "It
was a bold move," Rahama agreed, "but one that I would expect of
you now." Now? So
he wouldn't have in the past. "Faris,
I don't favour you because you're an old friend, but because I know you're
ready to face what's coming. Some of the others are not. They don't
understand what is happening, or they don't know what's required to deal with
it. You do. You and Major Jahni are my most valuable men." Madari
caught Jahni's eye, seeing him trying to hide a pleased smile behind a
serious expression. His jacket buttons strained over a chest puffed up with
pride. "I
hope I can live up to that confidence you have in me, sir. I know Major Jahni
can." Jahni
bowed his head in acknowledgment of the compliment, then he glanced at the
swagger stick Madari held across his lap, reminding him of his plan to
present it. "Colonel,"
Madari said, rising and holding out the cane. "I thought you might like
to have this. I know my grandfather was always very fond of it. I think he'd
be happy to see you carrying it." Rahama
took the stick, smiling. "Well now, it's been many years since I saw
this." He looked at Madari as he sat again. "Surely you'd find it
useful yourself though." "Well,
I've never really used one." "Yes,
but..." He stopped, looking at Madari puzzled and then smiling.
"You don't actually know what this is, do you?" "What
it is?" "Ahmed
never showed you?" He chuckled. "That sly old soul. See the small
studs under the cap? Press one of those, twist about six inches down and...
it's, a little stiff, needs oiling. Ah. There we go." The cap
and six inches of ebony slid away from the rest of the cane, forming a hilt
for a long, thin blade, at least eighteen inches long. "Bloody
hell," Jahni said in English, under his breath. Madari
just stared, dumbstruck as Rahama looked up at the blade, turning it to catch
the morning sunlight. "No
rust. It will need sharpening of course. A nice ace in the hole for a man
with assassins on his tail." He looked at Madari. "Are you sure you
don't want to keep it for yourself?" He held
it out, and Madari rose and took it, staring trancelike at the sword. Was it
long enough to be called a sword? Was this the sword Ahmed had told him to
draw? A concealed weapon. One for close quarters, and for taking the enemy by
surprise. That made him glance at Jahni. Yes, even his men were such weapons. "Colonel,
you're right. If you don't mind, I will keep this for myself." Rahama
handed him the scabbard and Madari sheathed the blade. For now. The End |
© E Charles 2009